


When I Hear Songs, They Sound Like A Swan

by boxparade



Series: All Our Yesterdays: The Codas [7]
Category: Panic At The Disco
Genre: Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Kid Fic, M/M, Military, Panic Attack, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-21
Updated: 2012-04-21
Packaged: 2017-11-04 01:54:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/388367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boxparade/pseuds/boxparade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer has been home for three weeks. Brendon still has some issues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I Hear Songs, They Sound Like A Swan

Spencer’s been home for three weeks. Brendon has been clingy, he knows, but he’s still trying to move past some things and Spencer doesn’t seem to mind. But it’s okay, because every day, Spencer is there. There, smiling and playing with the kids and being a father again. Being a part of their family, and it warms Brendon’s heart to see him here, present, for this.

And Spencer’s okay. He’s not perfect, not by a long shot, but he’s okay. They’ve started talking to doctors about Spencer’s hip, and Spencer’s not freaking out, at least not more than they can handle. And they’re good. They’re so, so good and Brendon is so unbelievably happy. Which is why things like this shouldn’t happen.

But Brendon wakes up, and he’s cold because all the blankets have fallen to the floor at some point. So he blinks his eyes open and gropes around for some sort of warmth, and he turns and the other side of the bed is empty, and that’s happened plenty of times before, plenty, but he just—not today.

Because Spencer is—was—is? Brendon doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything, anything at all, except that Spencer isn’t there, he isn’t there, and Brendon doesn’t know where he is. He doesn’t know—he could be off fighting a war, he could be getting blown up, he could be anywhere, and he’s back in Afghanistan, in Brendon’s head. He’s sure of it. He just—he almost lost Spencer, thought he lost him, and now he’s alone in bed and Spencer’s not there and for all he fucking knows, Spencer is back overseas, getting shot or blown up or stabbed or killed, and he can’t, he can’t lose Spencer _again,_ he just can’t.

Brendon sits up, fingers clutching at his chest, because he can’t _breathe._ He can’t—there’s no air left, no air, and his heart is beating out of his chest, it’s like a fucking stone, and he can’t—can’t do—he feels like he’s having a heart attack, he needs to—fuck, he can’t—Spencer is—dead. Spencer is dead and Brendon is having a heart attack and he needs to get help, he needs to call 911 because he can’t die, too, he can’t, the kids are—they need him and Spencer is gone and Brendon can’t fucking _breathe._

“Bren? Hey, Bren!”

“I can’t—I—I just—I need—call—” Brendon gasps, and then curls over himself, still clawing at his chest because he can’t live. He can’t breathe and he can’t live. He just—Spencer is—god.

“Bren!” that same voice calls out, and god, can’t they _see?_ Brendon can’t breathe, he needs help, he needs to—

“Call—Call, I—” Brendon rasps out, and his hand fumbles for the phone but he can’t find it. He can’t feel his fingertips. He’s not getting enough oxygen, or he’s getting too much, and god, his heart is about to fucking explode, he needs _help_ , he needs—his fingers find the phone, finally, and he’s okay, he can do this. Spencer is dead and so he needs to do this because—because. He just—he has to be strong, he has to—

There are fingers taking the phone from his hands, too quickly for Brendon to even see, and no, no no no no no. That was his last chance to—he can’t die. He can’t die too, and leave the kids, and he can’t— “I can’t die,” he says blankly, and struggles for air, somewhere, anywhere. Just air. “I don’t want to die, _god,_ I—”

“You’re not dying, Bren. You’re okay. Just breathe.”

“I _can’t!_ ” he shouts, and fuck, is he crying? He just—he can’t breathe and it hurts, his chest hurts, his whole body hurts, and he can’t—he just—Spencer is—and he—

“It’s a panic attack, Brendon,” the voice says, and then there’s an arm curling around his shoulders slowly, and the voice keeps telling him to breathe, and it sounds like Spencer, Spencer who is dead, so Brendon listens. He tries.

“I need—call an—I can’t—”

“Shhh,” the voice that sounds like Spencer says, and then there’s another arm reaching to pull him close, to wrap him up, to keep him safe, and Brendon cries and breathes and listens to the blood rushing through his head and his heart beating in his ears. He just listens. And slowly, so slowly, his heart rate slows, and his breathing slows down, and he stops crying and freaking out, and he can think again. He can breathe. He’s not dying.

He pulls away from the arms, wipes at his teary eyes and looks up, and it’s Spencer. It’s Spencer, right there, Spencer who is—was dead. Spencer who’s right here, right here keeping Brendon safe, and— “God,” he breathes, and falls back against Spencer.

Spencer just keeps holding on, running a gentle hand down the back of Brendon’s head. He keeps saying “Shhh” and “I’m here, I’m not dead” and Brendon thinks maybe he’s been speaking aloud. Possibly rambling. But he just—Spencer was dead, and now he’s not, but Brendon thought—god, he’d woken up and thought, again…

“It’s okay,” Spencer soothes again. Brendon pulls back with a sniffle.

“I—” he starts, and then laughs at himself. He’s fucking pathetic. “I thought you were—”

“I’m not,” Spencer says softly.

“I woke up and you weren’t here, you weren’t…so I thought you were—I thought…”

“It’s okay,” Spencer repeats, and presses his palm to Brendon’s cheek. Brendon closes his eyes and leans into the warmth, because Spencer is real. He’s here, and he’s not dead, and he’s real. He’s okay. Brendon is okay. He should be okay, he shouldn’t be freaking out just because he woke up and the bed was empty, what kind of nonsense is that?

“Sorry,” Brendon croaks out, and wipes at his eyes again. They’re still all wet.

“No, you’re not,” Spencer says, and Brendon’s confused for a moment until he adds “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. Okay? Nothing.”

“But I—God, I wasn’t even in the war, I’m not—”

“You are,” Spencer interrupts, and pins Brendon with that sharp blue. Brendon never knows what to do with that blue. “Hey, the war isn’t just something I went through, alright? You went through it, too.”

“But I—”

“No, Bren,” Spencer says, all hard lines and sharp edges. His hand has worked itself into Brendon’s hair. “This is something that happened to all of us, okay? Not just me. You don’t have to apologize.”

Brendon goes to open his mouth, but Spencer shushes him too quickly.

“You thought I was dead, okay? You went to my damn funeral. If that didn’t fuck you up, then I don’t know what will.”

Brendon feels the hint of a laugh, buried deep in his throat, tugging at the corners of his lips. Spencer just wraps an arm around the back of Brendon’s head and pulls until Brendon’s got his forehead pressed to Spencer’s chest, just beneath his neck. He breathes in and tries to remember exactly the way Spencer smells, not for the first time. “You’re allowed to be fucked-up, too,” Spencer says softly, and kisses Brendon’s hair.

“O-Okay,” Brendon mumbles, and holds on to Spencer’s shirt, trying to keep himself from shaking apart.

Then the kids come stumbling in, bickering at each other about who gets to choose the TV channel, and Spencer laughs and kisses Brendon on the top of his head before he gets up, declaring that if they don’t work this out themselves, he’s going to put on _grown-up_ TV, and they both gasp with identical looks of horror on their faces before running back to the TV, and Spencer pauses in the doorway, and smiles at Brendon.

“You gonna be okay?” Spencer asks, quiet; gentle.

“Yeah,” Brendon breathes, and he can’t even help the smile that pulls across his lips, or the warmth that forces out the panic in his chest. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from "[Some Nights](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92XD7d-tqRg)" by Fun.


End file.
